Halloween should be joyous. Even though some people will say Halloween is a holiday for kids, you and I know better. It's an excuse for women to dress like a slutty Captain America and the best reason all year long for guys to spend $97.98 on a giant schlong costume and wear it to the bar.

But in reality, it's number one for candy fiends. Whether we're 8 or 80, we want the sweets. We'll dig through our kid's candy stash after they've burned off their All-Hallows Eve sugar-rush and collapsed into a coma. Or even more devious, we'll actually accompany our kid in costume and desperately hope the neighbors take pity and toss a Snickers at us for the effort.

But we know there's a hidden buzz-kill inside every ghoul and boy's sugar-sack. Those crappy time-can't-kill-off treats that some jerk has tossed in the take. In every scary excursion on October 31st, you'll get a couple of goobers, frozen in time due to their debilitating anti-social mentality, who have grabbed a bag or two of absolute crap no one in their right mind would ever give to their enemy, much less eat ourselves.

Accept this article as a good-will gesture, a prophesy of sorts, so you can avoid the dire consequences of handing out any of the: