No, I'm not dying. I apologize to my ex wives if I got your hopes up.

In reality, we are all dying a little each day. So it's good to write down your final wishes.

I just have a few simple requests and if they fail to be met, I will haunt your butt forever.

My Last Wishes

1. If I should drop dead at work, which is highly likely, I don't want a commemorative plaque or anything. Just a permanent chalk out line where I dropped.

2. At the end of my service, I want everyone to get a taser.  Last one standing gets all my stuff.

3. If on life support, in a vegetative state, just keep unplugging me and plugging me back in to see if that brings me around.

4. Immediately after cremation, take my ashes and find Selma Hayek. Throw my ashes on her. This will be "our moment".

5. If #4 isn't workable, my next choice would be to dress me up in a Superman costume and throw me out of a Cessna over downtown. This will get me in the newspaper.

Simple requests. I'm taking any additional suggestions