It is my pleasure, with barely any reservations, to announce the return of Laura to the Loon Morning Show. Effective October 2nd, Laura will be returning after serving an eight year prison sentence for fatally strangling a spider monkey at the Minnesota Zoo. Laura was my morning show partner for nine years previously before being apprehended by authorities. Be sure and welcome her back!

To make her feel more at home, I've had a stainless steel toilet installed in the corner of the studio. (Disclaimer: some or all of this may not be true).