My odd trip to Walmart last Saturday started as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I parked my car, look up and see someone pull into a handicapped spot. I watch her look around for her handicapped tag, hang it on her mirror and get out and walk into the store. Really? If anyone is reading this and doesn’t see a problem with that, you’re a jerk.

I go into the store and head to the customer service counter. The first thing I see is a guy standing at the counter. From what I can tell, he clearly has crapped his pants and obviously doesn’t care. Who craps themselves and continues shopping and returning their items?? Come on! I can’t deal with it so I carry on to my next mission.

I go to grab a few things in the grocery department. I’m standing in the freezer area and I start to hear a noise. I look around. Up the aisle comes a foot shuffler. *shuffle, shuffle* Inside I’m screaming, “Pick up your feet!” I hear the same thing coming from the other direction. *shuffle, shuffle* Really? I get out of the aisle. Suddenly everywhere I walk that’s all I hear is shuffling! I think, “What the hell is going on around here? Doesn’t anyone know how to walk?!” I turn the corner.

A couple comes walking with a dog on a leash. What the hell? No joke, I turn into the next aisle and a lady is strolling along with her little dog. I’m thinking, “Are we doing this now? Are we bringing our dogs to Walmart?” So, I stand in the middle of the aisle with dogs everywhere, people crapping themselves and the sound of shufflers and I swear the overhead music suddenly slows down and becomes very warped and distorted. I can hear people talking and their voices are slow and drawn out. “Whherree’s ttthhheee bbuutttteeerrr?” All I can think is, “Holy Balls, I’m in the Twilight Zone.” I gather my stuff and hurry through the crowd to the self check-out. It’s not going fast enough so I under my breath I say to the automated voice, “Just shut up and hurry.” The lady keeping an eye on the self-checkout hears me and gives me a weird look. As I rush out I say to her, “Don’t judge me lady, if you think I’m the crazy one in this place, you’ve gotta be frickin kidding me!”

I mean Really!

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