Smell Like a Hero With Avengers Cologne
Finally, Superhero Superfans can not only dress up like their favorite crime-fighter, but now
we they can smell like them, too. Kinda.
Let me explain; a company called Jads International has been quietly making nerd-scent for a couple of years now. It all started with the release of an incredibly popular Star Trek perfume and cologne line in 2009. Then a year later they created a line of Star Wars perfumes and colognes that would make even the shortest storm-trooper alluring. Both lines are sold out, but can still be purchased in the after-market universe.
Now Jads seeks to dominate the universe with their most ambitious line of scents yet. The Avengers. All totaled there are 7 fragrances designed with specific heroes (or villains) in mind.
I got a hold of five.
I admit I was excited at the prospect of my usual odoriferous palette of pizza, beer and BBQ sauce being kicked up a notch. But I was also wary, because, as you well know, with great power comes great responsibility. I wasn’t about to just douse myself in as yet untested potions and sprays. I’ve read enough Marvel comics to know this could only go one of two ways… and my physique certainly doesn’t lend itself to leaning hero (much less spandex). So I quietly sequestered myself in the abandoned basement lab here at the radio station to perform my scentilogical© experiments.
As I cracked open the plain brown shipping box, I was greeted by a slight pleasing waft… spicy and virile. So far so good, I thought. But it could just be a trick by the sneaky marketing goons who, no doubt, are just low-level Hydra Agents. The colorful box inside was adorned with images of my favorite heroes: Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America and Thor. I had procured the assortment box that offered bottles of four different concoctions: Mark VII (Iron Man), Patriot (Cap), SMASH! (Hulk) and Worthy (Thor).
Below that, stealthily hidden in a camouflage of red and black that matched the packing material, was The Black Widow perfume, obviously added as a gift for the woman in my life. (Or possibly a cruel joke, due to the fact the only woman in my life is the full-sized cardboard standee of Red Sonja that hides in my closet and only makes appearances on Free Comic Book Day and my birthday.)
As lightning and thunder tore through the heavens outside, I carefully cracked the box open and set each glass flask on an invisible congruous line. Prepared to fulfill my aromatic destiny, I pondered what each hero would smell like, what odors each do-gooder would have wafting in the air about them… My comics knowledge put to the test.
The first I would try would be Captain America’s Patriot. World War II patriotic icon, super-soldier, and hero of the Greatest Generation. It suddenly occurred to me that Captain America’s smell probably wouldn’t be pleasant. I mean, he’s from the ’40’s right? My grandfather’s era. He rides an Army-issue Harley and spends weeks in the field slugging it out with Nazi’s and slippery Hydra Agents! It’s distinctly possible Cap would smell like Aqua Velva mixed with motor oil and stale leather. Despite my wild imaginings, I had to press on. Gripping the bottle, I sprayed, whiffed and sat back in the chair, half expecting purple sparks or a massive yellow burst of light… and was pleasantly surprised… it was as the description promised;
Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover. Your attack plan.
My only complaint is that I don’t seem to be any stronger and my skills at Frisbee are just as pitiful as before.
Next was Mark VII, cleverly named after the most current version of the Iron Man suit Stark wears. Again, my thoughts moved to the character in the comics I knew and loved. Tony Stark; Billionaire philanderer, notorious drunkard. Uh oh. This cologne could be scandalous. I half expected it to smell like dirty sex, booze and metal tinged perspiration.
Should I just pull the cap off and take a huge pull from the bottle? Should I have lime and salt ready? A prophylactic at hand? A 3/8 Hex Wrench? I took the cautious route and spritzed a bit on my wrist. Well played, Scentitists©. Well played. I catch a hint of Mandarin (the citrus fruit, NOT the Iron Man villain), then jasmine.. with a hint of nasturtium. Very Asiatic. Then an after-touch of down-to-earth patchouli.
I decide this is only for Friday and Saturday nights and best used sparingly, as I can only handle (afford) 3-5 women at a time.
The storm overhead had passed, an eerie quiet set in. My next experimental exercise in bouquetology© could be my last, as I reached for SMASH! This was obviously the most dangerous cologne. Patterned after The Incredible Hulk, this one had the potential to turn me into a wandering, screaming, military-hating green monster. What good could come of this odor? If I remember my Hulk comics correctly, this beast hasn’t showered in nearly 40 years, lives mostly in the desert, sleeps wherever he lands and is the constant target of missiles, gunfire and bazooka shells. I wondered if I really wanted to smell like gamma-irradiated sweat with hints of dirt and gunpowder.
As a precautionary measure, I changed into a pair of over-sized purple pants and took my Homer Simpson head slippers off. I surged forward with my plan, pulsing the liquid drizzle into the air away from me, hoping to elude a possible emerald transformation. But to my shock and horror, a co-worker had mistakenly drifted into the affected area!
I lunged forward, shielding him from the surprisingly woody aquatic-scented sprinkles, and realized, too late, I had taken the brunt of the powerful blast directly in the face. What came next I’m not sure, but I woke up hours later, shirtless in a field, smelling of Yuzu, bergamot, and tarragon. I also noticed gleefully unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg.
As I made my way back to the lab with a mysterious backpack slung over my shoulder and strange minor key progression piano notes lilting in the air, the adorned chemistry changed ever so slightly, radiating twinkles of Indian sandalwood, musk and cedar. SMASH! unequivocally is a smash in the nose-gasm department. During my lonely trek down the road, several vehicles passed me by without stopping, but I refused to get angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Meanwhile, back at the lab… There was nothing going on while I was away, but I’ve always wanted to start a paragraph with that line.
The final male-centric super-incense to test was Worthy, designed, theoretically for a Norse God. Thor, God of Thunder. Built to withstand Armageddon. An unwavering honorable warrior. Heir to the Throne of Asgard, the Golden City. With abandon, I streamed the succulent love-mead all over me, knowing that it could do no harm.
A woody citrus bolt of pure energy hammered through my nostrils, and pulsed into my heart… releasing the ripped, blonde Shakespearean nobleman I always knew was inside! As the mystical transformation took hold, aromas of wheatgrass, ginger and grapefruit swirled around me… leaving behind layers of cypress, and basenotes of sensual seductive dark amber and cedarwood. By Odin’s Beard! Worthy was exactly as I imagined it! Trusting, stalwart and a bit headstrong.
I suddenly realized no one mortal should have such power in their grasp. I reached for the untouched maroon and black box containing The Black Widow perfume and launched myself through the window, into the night and over to the Parkwood Cinemas for the Midnight showing of The Avengers, searching for the perfect heroine to join me as my queen. Verily, there must be a female who is worthy of this gift there? Oh wait. It’s the Midnight premiere of a super-hero movie. Probably not. Even the ticket takers will be guys. <sigh>
There are two other fragrances; Infinty Formula based on Nick Fury’s SHIELD character, and Mischief, of course patterned after Thor’s ‘misunderstood’ step-brother, Loki. All priced at a very reasonable $29.99 and available in a four bottle set for $59.99. I’m eagerly anticipating the arrival of their next two ‘super-scents’ Spider-Man and Deadpool.