The annual "Guys Can't Win" holiday is nearly upon us! Have you figured out your wife and/or girlfriend's desires, yet?

Me neither.

First off: if she says, "I don't want anything," IT'S A TRAP!

Navigating the labyrinth that often is a woman's desires can be impossible. Fortunately (maybe), Joelle Wisler from ScaryMommy.com shared ten easy (?!?!) steps to a better Valentine's Day.

1) Do NOT make a "One Hour Love Massage" coupon

It'll be over after 15 straight minutes of butt massage (seriously, what's wrong with that?!), and she'll think that the "gift" is more for you than her.

 

2) DO buy expensive underwear

Unless she's a freak (good for you!), stay away from the crotchless/edible variety. Distract her ("Hey look, Gilmore Girls is on!"), and look in her underwear drawer for the correct size, then buy something that will please you both.

 

3) Do NOT buy chocolate

Apparently, buying her chocolate for Valentine's Day is a bad thing.

 

4) DO something unexpected

Shake things up to show how spontaneous you are, especially if you usually aren't spontaneous. Keep it legal/hard to track.

 

5) Do NOT buy appliances, even if the household needs them

This should be a no-brainer. I'm an idiot, and even I know gooder than that!

 

6) DO buy flowers

They're never a bad idea, unless she's allergic.

 

7) Do NOT buy expensive jewelry, especially if you suck at it

This confuses me. A diamond is a diamond, isn't it?

 

8) DO plan something great

No pressure. But you know what (almost) always works? A spa day. Walk her to her car, hand her a spa gift certificate, and wave goodbye as she gets the f*@k away from you for some pampering.

 

9) Do NOT buy some cheesy "his and hers" t-shirt, coffee mug, etc.

You will be mocked, and you will deserve it.

 

10) DO purchase housecleaning services for the day

Perhaps while she's away getting pampered at the spa by the muscular Swede.

 
Confused, yet?

No...YES   (Getty Images)

Yeah, this list seems just a little one-sided. Blow all of your money on her, but expect nothing in return. Isn't that what we do for the rest of the year?

Oh look! I have a new place to live!

OCUPADO, A**HOLE!   (Getty Images)