The annual "Guys Can't Win" holiday is nearly upon us! Have you figured out your wife and/or girlfriend's desires, yet?
First off: if she says, "I don't want anything," IT'S A TRAP!
Navigating the labyrinth that often is a woman's desires can be impossible. Fortunately (maybe), Joelle Wisler from ScaryMommy.com shared ten easy (?!?!) steps to a better Valentine's Day.
1) Do NOT make a "One Hour Love Massage" coupon
It'll be over after 15 straight minutes of butt massage (seriously, what's wrong with that?!), and she'll think that the "gift" is more for you than her.
2) DO buy expensive underwear
Unless she's a freak (good for you!), stay away from the crotchless/edible variety. Distract her ("Hey look, Gilmore Girls is on!"), and look in her underwear drawer for the correct size, then buy something that will please you both.
3) Do NOT buy chocolate
Apparently, buying her chocolate for Valentine's Day is a bad thing.
4) DO something unexpected
Shake things up to show how spontaneous you are, especially if you usually aren't spontaneous. Keep it legal/hard to track.
5) Do NOT buy appliances, even if the household needs them
This should be a no-brainer. I'm an idiot, and even I know gooder than that!
6) DO buy flowers
They're never a bad idea, unless she's allergic.
7) Do NOT buy expensive jewelry, especially if you suck at it
This confuses me. A diamond is a diamond, isn't it?
8) DO plan something great
No pressure. But you know what (almost) always works? A spa day. Walk her to her car, hand her a spa gift certificate, and wave goodbye as she gets the f*@k away from you for some pampering.
9) Do NOT buy some cheesy "his and hers" t-shirt, coffee mug, etc.
You will be mocked, and you will deserve it.
10) DO purchase housecleaning services for the day
Perhaps while she's away getting pampered at the spa by the muscular Swede.
Yeah, this list seems just a little one-sided. Blow all of your money on her, but expect nothing in return. Isn't that what we do for the rest of the year?
Oh look! I have a new place to live!