Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Joining an Online Dating Service

Think you can meet your soulmate through an online dating service?  Hopefully you can.  But we think you should first consult this list of the 'Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Joining an Online Dating Service.'

• Should my profile list all of my children . . . or just one so that the other seven can surprise my date when he arrives at my door?
• Should I be worried if any dates want to meet up in the crawlspace of an abandoned cabin in the woods?
• How do I make sure that the only people who respond put-out on the first date?
• Will giving myself a hilarious name like "Diddly McStonepants" yield better results?
• If under "Sex," I put, "Yes, seeking tons of it!" women will find it hilarious, right?
• Am I ready to start vehemently resenting the person I choose to start dating exclusively?
• How will I feel when those initial promises to maintain a fun, spontaneous life somehow turn into doing hours of backbreaking yard work, while my lady lies on the couch, eating Ben & Jerry's?
• Should I state right away that I drive a window-less, unmarked van so there will be no surprises on the first date?
• Is this what giving up feels like?
• Am I tired of women rejecting me at parties, and instead want women to reject me over the Internet?
• Do I have access to a photo of someone who sort of looks like me, but is way more attractive?
• My wife will never find out about this, right?
• Do I have to join now . . . or is there still a girl I know in real life who I have yet to completely creep out?
• Should I include a photo of me with all my cats . . . or just my ten favorites?
• Can I still join ChristianMingle.com if I'm not Christian, and I don't want to mingle?
• Should I text her photos of my junk before the first date, or save the surprise until halfway through dinner?

Glad to be able to help,

Pete & Jesse