JoBlo Movie Trailers via YouTube
JoBlo Movie Trailers via YouTube

It’s time for your weekly dose of my Star Wars ranting. Ever since The Last Jedi hit theaters, the fan base has been pretty divided. Actually, most people I know who saw it hated it. It’s a shame.

I’m actually a huge fan of all the new movies. But if you happen to be one of the people that despises where the franchise is headed, don’t fret – I have a solution. Last week my buddy and I killed a case of beer and a couple of bottles of wine, stayed up all night and re-wrote the plot for the Star Wars sequel trilogy.

Brace yourselves – here we go (potential spoiler alerts ahead.) Firstly, Qi’ra – Han Solo’s love interest in his spin off film – is Captain Phasma, and also ends up being Rey’s mom. Episode 7 ends up staying almost the same, except for the fact that Leia tags along with Han and the gang to go confront Kylo Ren.

While Han and Chewie are messing around with thermal detonators, Leia confronts Kylo on the bridge on Starkiller Base. The moment Han see’s the confrontation, Kylo stabs Leia with his lightsaber and then runs off. Leia dies in Han’s arms – ouch.


Everything else in 7 stays the same. Fast-forward to episode 8. Cut most of Finn’s useless shinanigans out of the equation. He stays in a coma for the first half of the episode. Han tags along with Rey and Chewie to go to Ahch-To to find Luke, and Poe’s role stays exactly the same.

Luke leaves with the gang on the falcon. They get involved in a space battle somewhere along the way and Rey gets abducted by Kylo Ren. Meanwhile, Poe wakes up, goes to find Rey and gets abducted by Phasma. Finn and Rey are brought to Snoke’s throne room. Kylo still ends up killing Snoke.

From there Kylo and Rey take on the guards and Finn takes on Phasma. By this time Rey knows that Phasma is her mom and has confided this information with Finn. In the midst of the battle, Finn kills Phasma, which turns Rey against him. In the heat of the moment, Rey kills Finn with her lightsaber while Kylo finishes off the guards.

Kylo and Rey still turn against each other at the end of the battle and get separated. Long story short, the gang ends up on Krait, and instead of Admiral Holdo sacrificing herself for the Resistance it’s Admiral Akbar.

Kylo follows them there. Kylo, Rey, and Luke (who isn’t a force projection in this version) end up having their lightsaber showdown. Kylo cuts Rey’s hand off and then kills Luke. Poe’s fleet comes along and starts attacking the First Order. Kylo and his minions retreat as Han runs to Luke – who dies in his arms.

Fast-forward to episode 9.  Lando and Han are briefly re-united before the gang splits up to go on different missions. Lando ends up going with Poe on another space mission and ultimately end up sacrificing themselves for the Resistance. Chewie R2, C-3PO are put in charge of protecting the Resistance’s base.

They’re under attack from the first order and 3PO and R2 end up getting severely damaged. R2 ends up needs to connect to the base’s main computer but the part he needs to connect has been damaged in the battle. The only way to get R2 the part he needs is for Chewie to remove it from 3PO (who happens to have the same part.) 3PO ultimately knowingly ends up sacrificing himself to get R2 the part he needs.

Chewie rips 3PO apart, retrieves the piece he needs for R2, and installs it. However, it ends up being to late – the base is destroyed with 3PO’s parts inside (aka – no way to piece him back together) and Chewie and R2 narrowly escape. Kylo and Rey meet up to have their final showdown.

Han, Chewie, and R2 show up to help, but just as they arrive, Kylo kills Rey (keep in mind – Rey is Han’s daughter and Kylo’s half sister.) Chewie and Han run up to confront Kylo, but as they are attempting to shoot him, Kylo stabs Chewie. Immediately afterwards Han delivers a fatal blaster shot to Kylo.

His son and daughter are both dead and after one brief, final, tear filled exchange – Chewie dies in his arms. The entire film ends with Han and R2 boarding the Falcon. There’s a huge flashback/montage of the greatest moments in the franchise, and the ending scene is Han’s hardened face as he flies off into space with R2. The end.

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